Always One Step Behind

  It's been a while since I've thought about this little blog of mine, a long time since I've felt the urge to come back and share some of my dumb words with my sweet void. As usual, my life has been pretty hectic, with lots of new things and new experiences, all pretty exciting but at the same time all pretty demoralizing. As you probably know, I've always been a shy and quiet kid, my teens were spent in my room alone playing video games inside the closet. This made me lose a lot of the experience in life one should get in its teenage years, this never bothered me before but lately I'm starting to see some of the consequences. 

 It's starting to really bother me how little I know compared to my friends and as I get to finally experience the things I missed in my younger years, I noticed how frustrating it is to deal with a world that already knows double of what you know. Going out at night and drinking, getting into my first relationship all these things started pretty fun but ended in a very sad way, in big part because I didn't fully know how to work around these new emotions. It's even more upsetting when I haven't made any big mistakes, it's all just little behaviors that other people have worked out many years ago, but for me, it's all new and makes me lose great people that I wish I had approached very differently. 

This also made me think about some of my traits, I think I care too much about what other people think of me to the point it makes me ill and doubt everything. I have this urge to always hear the opinions of the ones who surround me without letting myself work the situation alone and then I can't get the other's opinions out of my head. This is something that makes me not function, it happened with this recent girl, karate, school, streaming, or just talking to people in general. My brain overthinks everything to a point where nothing becomes fun anymore and I'm constantly scared. 

I really want to change this behavior though, I'm not entirely sure how, but I wanna make an effort. It won't correct the past behavior but hopefully transforms me into a much better person. I genuinely want to be more confident and I'll start by keeping things to myself, not looking for validation of all my actions or overreacting. I need to learn how to balance things, respect my time, and just let things happen with the flow. Plus I need to stop having fiction as my solemn reference point, cause I feel that's another downside. Fiction is akin to destiny, everything is planned, the couple is meant to be, the power of friendship is overpowered, and no matter what, the creator can bend everything to their wishes. 

Real life however is very, very different. I don't believe in fate, I think everything is just random variables that click together sometimes. If you screw up there's no red string of fate to reassure you, connections aren't eternal and one mistake can fuck up everything quite easily, even if it took quite a while to build. Real life is way too complex and longer, fiction with its short segments of happenings is much easier to digest and move forward. That's why characters like Naruto and Luffy feel so inspiring and amazing, we see them suffer and get up over and over again. Yet we don't see every moment of their lives, we don't see how bad and long the bad moments truly are. When Luffy loses his brother we have a time skip where a lot of internal development happens, in real life, we have to live every single second of it.

I still have a lot of growth and I'm quite excited. When these bad things happen I tend to get extremely sad, but this time around I can be sad and still look forward for the future. I haven't yet found that amazing joy about existing but with each year and connections I have the pleasure to gain lots of things to keep fighting for. I just hope the future Katie keeps getting better.